i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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