His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
