Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
