mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
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