if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
