is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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