she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
