There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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