My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I have surprise drugs for everyone
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
