ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
This can only be settled by a dance off.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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