I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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