Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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