Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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