Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
