does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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