now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
