My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
