That's when you crack a 10am beer
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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