I think I am morally bankrupt
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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