All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
