I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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