so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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