I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
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