when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
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I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
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My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize