I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
