I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
