rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Randomize
