Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
You are the jesus of drinking
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Randomize
