I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
