I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
