fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
