My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
