I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
