I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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