I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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