I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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