I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
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