I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
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