You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
