I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
