My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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