In the future we'll all be gay
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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