He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
