I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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