nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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