the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Randomize
