he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
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