No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
You left your underwear on the fireplace
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
