even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
