think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
