Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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