Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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