dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Randomize
